• Never compare one over the other. (As in “Why can’t you be more studious like your brother / sister?”) This will only cause resentments and fights.
• Accentuate the positive. Praise the effort of your child, instead of the result (if the results doesn’t match your or child’s expectation).
• Don’t ever say — even teasingly — that you love one more than the other.
• If you have to play referee, try not to pick sides. Instead, let cooler heads prevail and try to work things out by talking.
• Schedule a day for each child and teach them to respect the schedule.
• Keep your cool. There may be some things you might blurt out in the heat of anger, that you’ll regret afterward. Your child, on the other hand, may never forget what you said.

We know where Jacob and Esau’s friction started: Their parents played favorites. Sounds familiar? Favoritism is one of the reasons why we begin to resent our sisters or brothers hence the rise of sibling rivalry. Sometimes, the favoritism is so apparent, it can drive us nuts.

Here are some tips for children who feels their brother or sister is favored more by their parents:

• Respect your mom or dad’s time alone with your brother or sister. They aren’t spending time malling or camping because they want to leave you out. Maybe your mom figures your sister will enjoy the new dress shop more because you’re more inclined to books; maybe your dad believes that he and your brother need more time for “male bonding.” Maybe it’s because they’ve already taken you out somewhere special. Try to see the balance your folks are trying to reach with each and every one of you. If you feel you could enjoy that trip to the new boutique, though, speak up and ask if you can go with them next time (you can even ask for makeover advice!). Surely they’ll be more than happy to have you with them.
• Support each other’s strengths, and find your own. It’s tremendously difficult to try not to listen when people compare you with one another. But, it’s wrong to compare people in the first place, because everyone is as different as fire and rain. Rather than be envious of each other’s abilities and try to beat the other at them, try to find an area where you alone excel. For example, you can try to learn how to dance, because you just envy the way your sister moves; but don’t expect to be a master if you’re really not cut out for it. Try to be champion at volleyball or something else. Don’t pull each other down, but instead, root for each other’s talents and strengths.
• Know that your mom and dad see your uniqueness as well. Now that I’m older, I realize my folks’ partiality to my sister’s more organized ways. They knew I was more of the artistic, erratic type; my sister was designated the “nerd”. It wasn’t that they didn’t give me chances to prove I could be more responsible than her — they did, but I always did fall a tad short. I know they accepted, and more importantly, appreciated, our individuality. It’s great to know that our parents are proud of us, no matter how far apart in poles we are.
• Know when to back down. Experts agree that bickering among siblings is actually beneficial — it helps them to express their feelings and communicate. Fighting is necessary and unavoidable. Just don’t let it get out of hand. Emotions, especially teenage ones, have a tendency to run really high, so get a grip on yourself if you sense it’s going to lead to physical blows. Try to think: do you really want harm to come to your sister or brother? It may even take your mom or dad to separate you and act like a referee. Obey her call for “time out”. Try not to pursue the incident, take a deep breath and go find a quiet place where you can be alone. You’ll find that after a couple of hours, the two of you will have simmered down and the fight forgotten.

In this kind of situation, the toddler who has never really learned to be considerate or reasonable, is suddenly expected to be so. He will be made to accept this fact, change his behavior and may become unhappy about the whole situation.

Depending on his age, it’s unlikely that your toddler has really understood what a new baby will mean, in terms of your time and affection. Toddlers may worry about giving their toys to the new baby or having to go stay with a relative for a while. This only goes to show that your toddler is developing a sense of himself and his needs.

Defusing Jealousy

The bad news is that toddlers can’t grasp the concept of sharing or being delicate with babies. There are times that the eldest brother would grab his toys from his younger brother but he wouldn’t really mean doing so. It’s just his rough ways that he really doesn’t understand an infant should be treated with extra care and gentleness.

A typical two-year old has few inhibitions about trying to get what he wants — and little tolerance for anything or anyone that may be standing in her way. When a child acts jealous, the message really is, “I want you to be mine and only mine,” and this is actually a compelling and powerful way of expressing love!

The most important thing is to listen to your toddler. If they are very young, they’ll have trouble talking about their worries. Don’t ask, “Why don’t you want a new baby?” — your child won’t have an answer. The best solution should start even before you give birth to prepare him for the arrival of his new brother or sister. If you know a family that has a baby, take your toddler to visit them. Afterwards, talk about the baby. Your toddler’s questions may reveal their worries. “Where does he sleep?” may mean he’s not ready to give up his bedroom.

Buy a book about having a baby brother or sister that you can read together. Deal with any questions, stressing how much things will stay the same after the baby’s birth. Don’t put ideas into your toddler’s head, that may not even have been there before, like “Mommy and Daddy will still love you when the new baby is born.”

Let them feel the baby moving, help you prepare a room and buy small things for the new baby. As you do these things, tell your toddler about all the things you did for their birth and about how you felt. Be sure to explain about why you’re going to the hospital and be very clear about who will be taking care of them.

If you show him that the newborn baby has to be treated gently, quietly and lovingly when awake, the toddler is more likely to imitate you and do the same. But do not rely on him totally. He needs time to learn. Divert his attention by asking him to do some helpful task.

Verbal skills vary widely at this age so it’s best to look for ways to redirect negative energy. Urge a jealous toddler to see how quickly he can make the baby laugh or ask him to show you how well he can stack diapers in the nursery. Activities like this help a child feel both indispensable and capable.

Make time for him

No matter what the situation is, always try to make your toddler feel included. Spend quality time alone with him everyday, without any of the usual distractions (such as reading the papers, checking e-mail, etc.) Simply give your toddler extra love and reassurance. The child’s attachment to his new baby brother or sister will grow naturally and slowly over time.