Quest to Sibling Without Rivalry
Sibling rivalry has been around since Biblical times. Check out Genesis. Cain hated his brother so much he murdered him (an extreme case of sibling rivalry!); and Esau, though a physical and athletic guy with his own special set of abilities, envied his more introspective twin, Jacob, who couldn’t hurt a deer to save himself.
We know where Jacob and Esau’s friction started: Their parents played favorites. Sounds familiar? Favoritism is one of the reasons why we begin to resent our sisters or brothers hence the rise of sibling rivalry. Sometimes, the favoritism is so apparent, it can drive us nuts.
Here are some tips for children who feels their brother or sister is favored more by their parents:
- Respect your mom or dad’s time alone with your brother or sister. They aren’t spending time malling or camping because they want to leave you out. Maybe your mom figures your sister will enjoy the new dress shop more because you’re more inclined to books; maybe your dad believes that he and your brother need more time for “male bonding.” Maybe it’s because they’ve already taken you out somewhere special. Try to see the balance your folks are trying to reach with each and every one of you. If you feel you could enjoy that trip to the new boutique, though, speak up and ask if you can go with them next time (you can even ask for makeover advice!). Surely they’ll be more than happy to have you with them.
- Support each other’s strengths, and find your own. It’s tremendously difficult to try not to listen when people compare you with one another. But, it’s wrong to compare people in the first place, because everyone is as different as fire and rain. Rather than be envious of each other’s abilities and try to beat the other at them, try to find an area where you alone excel. For example, you can try to learn how to dance, because you just envy the way your sister moves; but don’t expect to be a master if you’re really not cut out for it. Try to be champion at volleyball or something else. Don’t pull each other down, but instead, root for each other’s talents and strengths.
- Know that your mom and dad see your uniqueness as well. Now that I’m older, I realize my folks’ partiality to my sister’s more organized ways. They knew I was more of the artistic, erratic type; my sister was designated the “nerd”. It wasn’t that they didn’t give me chances to prove I could be more responsible than her — they did, but I always did fall a tad short. I know they accepted, and more importantly, appreciated, our individuality. It’s great to know that our parents are proud of us, no matter how far apart in poles we are.
- Know when to back down. Experts agree that bickering among siblings is actually beneficial — it helps them to express their feelings and communicate. Fighting is necessary and unavoidable. Just don’t let it get out of hand. Emotions, especially teenage ones, have a tendency to run really high, so get a grip on yourself if you sense it’s going to lead to physical blows. Try to think: do you really want harm to come to your sister or brother? It may even take your mom or dad to separate you and act like a referee. Obey her call for “time out”. Try not to pursue the incident, take a deep breath and go find a quiet place where you can be alone. You’ll find that after a couple of hours, the two of you will have simmered down and the fight forgotten.
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